Jerry, you need to find god
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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