Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
