I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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