I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
