i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
