If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
