it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
