I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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