Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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