my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
