I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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