Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
You just made me feel so damn special
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I want to fling myself into the sun
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
