lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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