It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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