and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
