Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I licked your asshole in confidence.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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