My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
