Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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