i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
