maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
