I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
