last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
