meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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