I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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