do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
