you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
