It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
