So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
a search helicopter?!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
