Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
