even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
