I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
