Is it because I queefed?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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