Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Im part way to drunk.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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