She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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