I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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