She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
