2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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