Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
