are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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