nut hugger
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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