He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
