I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
cat food counts as protein by the way
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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