Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
