We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
birth control should be required to get into college
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
