I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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