I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
