This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
