haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she told me i tasted like america
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
