Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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