I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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