i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
